Stay strong …it’s not easy
26 February 2019
(diary April 2016)
I am the proud mother of six children, 5 boys and a daughter. I am a survivor of domestic violence and lived experience. Lost a daughter to SIDS and a son to suicide.
One day in my life stands out and completely changed me and the dynamics of my family. Something I would not like any family to go through..
I was getting ready to go to work when i got a phone call from the New Zealand Police. This no phone call a parent ever wants to hear. ” are you Diane, we are calling to inform you about your son”. At first i thought he had a serious injury but then the police officer went to inform me that my son had died, My first thought was he is in hospital but it then sunk in. My son had taken his own life. My heart just ripped in pieces. I was home alone I didn’t know what to do I ran into the middle of the street because I had so many crazy thoughts and emotions. I called by brother in New Zealand to find out if it was true. They were so concerned that they had not heard from me. Social media news travels fast and they did not want me to find out via social media. I then thought about my sons, I had to call them two brothers worked in Sydney , one brother in on the Gold Coast who would be at work and his older brother in New Zealand. As I called each of my sons I just screamed down the phone to them saying “Jason is dead you need to get home”. I was in shock not thinking . Letting each family member know was so hard. The boys left from their jobs and headed to my home. As they all arrived they needed to know if it was true. I had called my two sons at work and they had to drive through the Sydney traffic from the city .
We all got together as we were were in total disbelief , Probably the easiest way to describe how we felt was numbness. We had to organise flights and passports for two of my sons. It was not only the boys to get flights it was partners and their families. But all I wanted to do was see Jason my boy. I couldn’t stop crying because as a parent i was asking myself how could i of helped him. So many questions, why and how. I new Jason had depression and bipolar but he was the most loving son. Jason was married and they had a daughter 3 years old and Jason had a son 12 years old at the time. Emotions and no direction of what we had to do seemed out of my control i just new i needed to get to be with my son.
I look back on past events and continue to look at my life. i look at my children and iam so proud of them. If only I new how to show them love and affection but I was never shown or have any display of love and affection. There is no use trying to explain to my children because all they see and hear are excuses. They are grown up men. I don’t want poor you or ohhh how sad. I have to move on in my life and I have many regrets and failures but you can’t go back to the past.
moving on I feel I could blog on all my failings but it would not benefit anyone.
instead I have to grow even after the loss of a second son to suicide.
i ask questions